Episode 21/Transcript
(Mackenzie is with Jenna Dapananian, Trisha, and Brittnay at a cheer practice) Mackenzie: Good afternoon, ladies. This cheer practice will not be any ordinary cheer practice. This cheer practice is the first cheer practice of the rest of your lives. The gauntlet has been thrown down by Tanya Berkowitz and the Atchison High Cheer Squad. Ladies: at Cheer Nationals, there will be more at stake than a simple trophy. More at stake than a national championship. At Cheer Nationals, what is at stake is our very livelihoods! Jenna Dapananian: Okay, I'm sorry guys, um, I've been gone for a while... My dad was kind of sick. It was like really gross. But what's going on? Mackenzie: Jenna Dapananian, because this isn't about tyrannical governments! Jenaa Dapananian: Oh, okay. Mackenzie: This isn't about freeing an oppressed people! Jenna Dapananian: Right, yeah. Mackenzie: This is about a goddamn Cinnabon right next to a Surf City Squeeze! Jenna Dapananian: Ok, honestly, I'm more confused now than I was before. Mackenzie: We need to send a message across the great state of Kansas to any nut juggling pom pom thrower that you cannot walk into Overland Park and threaten our mall, our way of life, and our home... at least on the weekends and after school. Jenna Dapananian: Wait, did something happen to the mall? Mackenzie: Let the world know that they may take our hair, but they will never take... our Hollister! Brittnay: Steve Madden! Trisha: Sbarro! Jenna Dapananian: Claire—no, um, Ann Taylor... Loft! Loft! (The cheer squad tries to make a pyramid but they collapse) Brittnay: Motherfucker! Trisha: Oh yeah, that's a hernia. Mackenzie: Goddammit, can we get this right once? Or do I need to give another speech about how the pyramid is the cornerstone of every cheer routine? Jenna Dapananian: Nope, the first two were plenty. Mackenzie: Then lock it the fuck up! Brittnay: You know, it's kind of hard to construct a six person pyramid when you only have four fucking people! Mackenzie: Well, where the hell is Jenna Darabond and Ashley Katchadorian? Trisha: Story of my life. Ashley: Hey guys sorry I'm late. I was at a secret—I mean, I was not at a secret meeting about the Atchison High cheer squad. Mackenzie: Okay. Brittnay: Why would you even need to say that? Trisha: Ashley, oh my God. Hey no hard feelings about the door and the arms, right? That was like crazy times and we were all like "what" and you were all like, "ohh" and you know, and I was like, "ahh". Ashley: Of course, Trisha, no problem. No hard feelings at all. (begins laughing) Brittnay: Okay will the two of you knock it the fuck off? Trisha: That was fun, thanks. Mackenzie: Alright, Ashley you're bottom right of the pyramid. I don't need to tell you how important the bottom right of the pyramid is to a cheer formation. Everything hinges on you. Ashley: Oh no problem, Mackenzie. You can trust me... or can you? Brittnay: Can I what? Ashley: Oh, um, can you hand me that pom pom over there? Brittnay: Get it yourself, you lazy bitch. Ashley: Oh no problem, Brittnay, you'll get yours. Trisha: Get my what? Ashley: Oh, I was um, I got you a pom-pom. For your, for your, birthday. Trsiah: Oh cool, my birthday's not til next month but I love pom-poms. Thanks. Ashley: Oh no, Trisha... thank you. Ha ha ha ha— Jenna Dapananian: Hey, you guys, did something happen to the mall? Because I'm still pretty in the dark on what's going on here. Ashley: Oh, you could say everything happened at the mall, Jenna! (laughs) Jenna Dapananian: What? What does that even mean? When the fuck did everyone in this school start talking in goddamn code? Deandra: (walks over) Alright, where is it? Brittnay: Where's what? An oil can? We don't have one Johnny Five. Take a walk. Deandra: Oh that's funny, maybe later I'll show you what your spleen looks like. I received a text about pie? Mackenzie: Oh Deandra, yes that was me. I sent you that text. Unfortunately, to be honest, I don't actually have any pie. Deandra: I see, so I assume it's a cheesecake, a meringue, some sort of dessert with whipped topping because I'm sure you didn't drag me across the Sahara desert that is the faculty parking lot for nothing, right? Mackenzie: I was afraid you wouldn't come without an incentive and I wanted to ask you some questions about Atchison. Deandra: Oh! Well, it's a city in central Kansas situated along the Missouri River with a population of a eleven thousand. Named after David Rice Atchison, and every July the city holds an Amelia Earhart Festival, where rest assured, there is always plenty of fucking pie! Mackenzie: To be fair, I didn't technically say that there would be pie— Deandra: I'm sorry but in what universe is an emoji of pie preceeded by the words "want some" not a clear indication that you are in possession of pie and are offering it to me? If this is your idea of a joke, you better start putting some goddamn winky faces and JK's in these fucking text messages, Zales. Good day. Mackenzie: I wanted to ask you about the Atchison High Cheer Squad. Deandra: What? I don't know anything about them. Never heard of 'em. Brittnay: I find that hard to believe. Jenna Dapananian: I'm sorry, but who is this girl? Mackenzie: You did go to Atchison right? Deandra: Yes. Maybe. I don't know. All I know is I don't know them and they sure as fuck don't know me. Why? Did you talk to them? What did they say? Because they're liars. They're all fucking liars. Mackenzie: I thought you said you didn't know them. Deandra: I don't. Mackenzie: Well then how do you know they're liars? Brittnay: Yeah, Deandra, what are you hiding? Deandra: Nothing, I'm an open book. Ask me anything. Mackenzie: Alright, tell me about the Atchison Cheer Squad. Deandra: Not that. Anything else. Trisha: Ooh, ooh, what was the name of the Disney Channel show that Shia Lebeouf was on? Deandra: Even Stevens. Trisha: Thank you, that has been bothering me all day. It's Even Stevens, guys! Mackenzie: What's the deal, Deandra? Brittnay: Yeah, what is it? You got some kind of dark secret you don't want us to know about? Deandra: Listen here Zales, Handjob Girl, I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but I've got a good life here (aside glance) aside from the whole getting my arms ripped off thing and my never ending battle with Irritable Bowel Syndrome, (back to the cheer squad) and I don't need you two Matlocks digging up anything that doesn't need to be dug up! Brittnay: Wait, do you mean that literally? Because I'm beginning to think that you killed someone, and buried the body in the desert. Deandra: Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. But I do know two things: stay the fuck away from Atchison and start carrying some goddamn pie around. Ashley: Hello? Oh hello, Tany—I mean, not Tanya Berkowitz. Yes I will see you there. Okay, bye. Oh, um, that wasn't Tanya Berkowitz. Mackenzie: Okay. Brittnay: You are a fucking weird little girl.